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Life Changes

Bubbles float past my pothos framed kitchen window as I scrub pots and pans. The scent of baking bread wafts through my house and playing dogs yip from the living room. The summer sun streams through the windows, cast rainbows through the bubbles. I can't help but smile at the magic of the moment, simple yet so sweet. All is right with the world in this moment.

Years ago, this moment would not have been possible for me. I was at war with my mind and body, taking me to extreme lengths of control exerted over my eating habits and work ethic. I was so dissociated that emotions weren't allowed  because it meant despair and anxiety. So my brain blocked them. No, not like a sociopath, just as a traumatized person numbed to senses with occasional breeches of anxiety attacks. If you had told me I 'd have a moment like today, I either wouldn't have believed you or have become defensive, stating I already did. The truth is, I was miserable. Exerting as much energy as I could into trying to control every moment of my life and out running my emotions was exhausting. Staying in the moment wouldn't have been possible then.

It's hard to wrap my mind around where I used to be, because it feels like a lifetime ago and like it was another person. It truth, I was a different person back then. A traumatized person. While it is weird to realize that was me, it's something I have to remember. Not as a self-destructive thing, but to remember gratitude for the life I've built. For the years of hard work I've put into healing to get to this moment that I can see I've built a cute, magical life that includes floating bubbles while doing the dishes, growing cherry trees from seeds, and sitting here writing this short blog while my dogs are dozing next to me.

I'm telling you this, because I realize there are people out there that are also struggle. Where I used to be. Struggling to comprehend there will come a time where safety is felt and a moment can be leaned into. So if you're one of those people and having a hard time, keep going. Keep healing. I know it can be exhausting at times and giving up can feel tempting…keep going.

-Peyton Cram

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